My soul is tired 5/55

When I say I am tired

I mean someone carved a swastika outside my flat, twice now, being told it was probably “just teenagers”, as if genocide at the hands of white teenagers is not something violent, as if somehow whiteness in youth is so fucking innocent it counters genocide

When I say I am tired

I mean I do not trust white hands, they have never known how to hold me

When I say I am tired

I mean I have sat through sermons and prayer meeting against my existence, I mean I do not know if I will ever be able to undo completely the damage of conversion therapy

When I say I am tired

I mean, I say I am hopeful, but hopeful most days just mean they have not killed me yet, they have not yet driven me to successfully take my life

When I say I am tired

 I mean, if you told you it all you wouldn’t believe me, and if I said it could not have happened without the inability for white people to empathise or acknowledge black vulnerability you’ll pretend to understand, refusing to acknowledge the blood on your own hands

When I say I am tired

I was refused a ventilator before my second ebola test of  the week by those who took an oath to do no harm

When I say I am tired

Imagine being tired of hearing about rape and racism instead being able to empathise with those exhausted to their soul of being raped and abused

When I say I am tired

I mean your culture and privilege created a world where all I have is my body, and that rarely remains mine in your spaces

When I say I am tired

I mean I don’t know what my body looks like because the racialized hyper sexualisation of my body started when I was a child, and my brain is still learning to recognise me and not what is projected onto me by the white gaze

When I say I am tired

I mean people who would call themselves friends have bitched about how much I talk about racism

When I say I am tired

I mean, how many times can a heart break at hearing a supposed friend’s version of utopia is basically just being a different brand of white nationalism, and your humanity is on the back burner if there at all

When I say I am tired

I mean why can’t I call it evil to be told to be grateful of the friendliness of white supremacist, you are not friendly ni you just love other white people

When I say I am tired

I mean I wish I knew before wasting so much time that most lefties here were in there mid 20’s before even beginning to acknowledge their race privilege, if ever, and all supposed revolutions only was for whites

When I say I am tired I mean I am so desperate to dance but I do not want my body alone in all white spaces, I’m tired of shrinking to make room for white fragility, I’m tired at the cowardice of my white friends that prevents them being true allies

When I say I am tired

I mean I hate being the only black face in a room, I mean I resent you for pretending it’s a damn coincidence and not because queer and trans spaces have a white supremacy problem

When I say I am tired

I mean I say I am angry when I mean my heart is still breaking everyday

When I say I am tired

I mean the only time black women are metioned in your trans spaces is in quoting black trans women’s life expectancy, and never again.

When I say I am tired

I mean my soul is weary, so fucking weary

When I say I am tired

I mean you’re literally killing me

When I say I am tired

I mean we’re living through another European fascist uprising and white people have been spending so long in their circle jerk on how its not as bad as America they haven’t fucking bothered to notice.

When I say I am tired

I mean it is unapologetic sadism to ask to taught how black people are human

When I say I am tired

I mean fuck you

When I say I am tired

I mean #metoo took white theft, again white feminists to be widely acknowledged, and that is part of the fucking problem

When I say I am tired

I mean, the arrogance of whiteness to never believe it could be the oppressor, only ever the most oppressed has seeped into every corner of queer and trans spaces, and I am drowning

When I say I am tired

I mean I am always more love than rage and I always receive more rage than love and told to be grateful

When I say I am tired

I mean you couldn’t survive a day of this, this poem has already made you uncomfortable 

When I say I am tired,

I mean it feels completely unbelievably foolish to understand the straights and cis as oppressive  but not your whiteness, 

When I say I am tired

This is not about your fucking feelings